Writing/C.U.N.T.S. Seek Lifeguard

“C.U.N.T.S. Seek Lifeguard” by Brian Everett Miller

Century Universal Network Trade Specialists is pleased to announce that we are accepting applications from qualified candidates for the position of Head Lifeguard. The Head Lifeguard will be responsible for the safe operation of the company pool, as well as adjacent electrical devices and large motor equipment.

The position requires that the individual be a man, several women, or a small child of at least 16 years of age, and that they possess above average self esteem and brightly colored transportation. We are no longer reviewing the applications of persons who drive dark blue or purple vehicles, or who look like they are filled with sadness.

Some pest control experience is preferred but not required, however, candidates should have a fear of cockroaches that is less than moderate to severe.

CPR certification is not a requirement, as in house company training will be provided to give the individual the ability to resuscitate almost anyone most of the time, provided the individual and the person that can’t breathe anymore are of the same gender and faith.

The qualified candidate will be subject to psychological evaluation in order to determine whether they can sustain prolonged exposure to children that fear losing their legs in an accident, and to ensure with absolute certainty that they do not suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or other imaginary ailments. During the evaluation, anyone found to have ever heard Barbara Streisand in concert, except in the case of an immediate family member emergency, will be removed from consideration and brought to the attention of authorities.

The ability to swim a minimum of three yards but no farther than one hundred yards is required, however, the ability to hold one’s breath, a requirement in years past, has been waived this summer. Special consideration, as always, will be given to men with mustaches. 

Interested applicants should forward their resume to their own father, who will fix mistakes and send it to that person they used to know that doesn’t work here anymore.